The Beautiful Oblivion 2.0
The over analytical, pedantic recap of getting my Exxxotica cherry popped

Conventions at their core are essentially nerd gatherings. Whatever the con revolves around, best believe its hardcore fans are there to celebrate, shmooze and try to prove their fandom is greater than yours. All while acting a damn fool more oft than not.

This year was my first foray into L.A. Exxxotica, an increasingly popular adult entertainment con held every summer. However, I’m no stranger to adult-oriented cons. I used to attend Glamourcon in L.A. in the late 90s, back when I fancying Playboy Playmates and such. (Bummer the print business is going the way of the dinosaur.)

I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m a rabid fan of pr0n but I know a lot more than the average guy, though considerably less than a hardcore fanboy.¹ A buddy of mine (who’s mostly responsible for getting me re-interested in adult films) was itching to travel for this con, but didn’t have a right-hand man. Man Law dictates you never let a dude roll solo like that. So off we went on our epic voyage…

Rather than give a play-by-play of what I did throughout the con, it’s easier to break down interactions w/ the gals. I may skip a handful of gals, but overall there wasn’t a bad vibe with any of them. All were courteous, looking purty and made the weekend that much more worth it. These gals just happened to leave a more memorable impression on me.

Breanne Benson:
The minute I walked through the convention hall doors, she was the first gal I saw. Talk about kicking the con off with a bang! Her exotic looks and warm smile had a dude feelin’ a bit giggly inside. We’d talked for a bit and she found out that I’d come from the Bay to peep the con. She had quite the disdain for San Francisco. From its generally cold weather to its confusing plethora of one-way streets (can’t fault her, especially on the latter), she was having little to none of it. Fortunately I mitigated that by clarifying I was from San Jose, which was OK in her book. Brutal honesty at its most entertaining was what I took away from her.

Dani Daniels:
Dani was a special case since my buddy has her perched atop his current starlet power rankings. I was certain he’d get some form of cardiac arrest being so close to her and consequently I’d be left lamenting the fact I forgot to bring a defibrillator. Dani’s got that unassuming look to her, as if you’d never guess she was a pr0n starlet if she wasn’t parading around in only panties, pasties, and heels. She’s an über-cute “girl next door” charmer with sparkling eyes that could set you in suspended animation (a la Han Solo in carbonite). Somehow my boy managed to keep his tongue from flopping about around her. Kudos to him.

To her credit, she’s a gracious gal who appeared to enjoy being around her fanboys. (She made my brotherman feel ultra-special.) She even fancied my “Cake or Death” t-shirt, though I reckon she’d never heard Eddie Izzard’s routine about it. Maybe it’s something I’ll have to put her on. Great times. Bummer she wasn’t around Saturday, but she had shoots that day. Sadness. ;_;

Jynx Maze:
Oh Lordy. The best way to describe the way she looked is… she’s like that ridiculously hot gal you’d see at a San Jose nightclub and you’d spend all night devising the right words to approach her with, but ultimately you’d simp. An undeniable knockout in my book with her smoldering almond eyes, caramel complexion, alluring smile… and that backside on her? It’ll make ya’ write blank checks, yo.

I was bummed I couldn’t see her feature dance @ Gold Club in Sacramento the prior week, but this was a nice consolation prize. Got to talk briefly with her, although it was obvious she was in high demand by the shutterbugs. Least I got pics and was able to pitch a collaboration I was interested in doing with her. (Non-pr0n related, folks.) Knock on wood for that one.

Lexi Belle:
If you could die from cute overload, Lexi would be the Grim Reaper taking souls en masse. You can sense her cuteness through pics and videos, but in real life? Amplify that by a dozen. She was the only starlet that weekend who managed to get me tongue-tied while conversing. (Forgetting to breathe might’ve contributed to that.) I did have enough wits about me to give her props for traveling overseas and doing work in Japan. I nearly wept when she said “I FUCKIN’ LOVE ASIANS!"² If 15-year-old me could’ve heard that, he’d have started saving his paychecks from Hickory Farms in order to get a huge diamond for her down the road. Real talk. *hah*

Ended up copping a DVD from her, which was one of those couples’-oriented joints. Unlike most other guys, I can appreciate thespianism and romantic overtures in my pr0n. Which is not to say I’m better than those other guys… OK, maybe a little. =P

Don’t mind the blurry camerwork.³

London Keyes:
Put two smokin’ hot Hapas in the same personal space and you know everything’s gonna’ get kicked up a notch.⁴ ^_~ She arrived Friday night a little later than expected, but she was worth the wait. She has a cuter speaking voice than I remembered, which is always a plus. I liked her choice in aqua/purple eyeshadow which harkens back to my penchant for the Charlotte Hornets colorway in the early 90s.⁵

We’d talked about how her FT5 scene with Natasha Nice and Thea Marie ranks as one of my all-time favorites. I generally try to steer clear of talking with gals about specific scenes, but that one is arguably my post-millennial favorite of them all, so it was worth mentioning. We also talked cigars and she was intrigued with the A*Men Pure Havane scent I was rockin’ that day. Go me. =)  Fun gal though she gets easily distracted by the camera hounds. =/  Was gonna’ buy a DVD offa’ her, but she was a little too busy to close the sale. C’est la vie. Next time, Gadget.

Gianna Michaels:
Friday night, she was rockin’ one of the best looks. She had a vampy get-up and her hair was done up in a somewhat similar vein to Dita Von Teese. Classic, gorgeous, all that and then some. Quite tall too, prolly around 6’0” w/ heels. She also looks in better shape than I recalled. Not that there was anything wrong with her initially… as I always say, “Ain’t nuffin’ wrong with a little extra butter on a biscuit.” Since she’s a Seattle native, she gave me some recommendations on fun things to do up there for my upcoming trip next month. It’s a friend’s bachelor party so debauchery is very necessary. (Especially since they’re a collective bunch of stiffs.)

All in all, a lovely thang and I still contend she’s my top fantasy shag.

She’s the epitome of someone who has that je nais se quoi. If you could fuse the classiness of Jackie O, Princess Di (no pun intended) and Miss Elizabeth, you’d have Prinzzess. Her beauty is obvious but not overbearing. Her demeanor is poised without feeling rehearsed. There’s something about her but it’s impossible to peg it on just one thing. On a side note, she had a clever strategy for encouraging her Twitter followers to visit her booth. Whoever mentioned being a Twitter follower would get a pic w/ her that she’d subsequently Tweet from her account. If she wasn’t in the business, I reckon she’d be an animal at PR/marketing.

I did feel bad for her since her booth was next to the KDAY DJ booth, so she had to endure a lot of loudness and horrible beat-matching from their DJ. It did seem to annoy her some but she still managed to stay above choking a bitch (least when I was around). Not everyone’s got the kind of composure she does. Hopefully she’ll come feature dance in NorCal in the near future. What a delight she was, I tell ya’.

Courtney Cummz:
Funny enough, I’m not über-familiar with a lot of her work. In fact, I’d never really paid much mind to her until Deadspin mentioned she went to a Bill Simmons book signing in L.A. while he was promoting “The Big Book of Basketball”. By that virtue, she’d already won cool points in my book without me needing to see a minute of her footage. She tripled up on the cool points by mentioning she also did stuff overseas with Japan. (Eff yeah!) She had nothing but high praise for the way she was treated out there from the on-set pampering to being treated to top flight sushi restaurants and so forth. Say what you will about us Asians being total pervs; we effin’ love and respect women that throw us a bone.

Special thanks to her for pinching my nipple in our photo op (!) and props for her sushi recommendations in L.A. Katsuya, I will be in you soon. You’ve turned me into a bigger fan, Ms. Courtney. =)

Sarah Vandella:
She was another gal who I’d only had marginal knowledge thereof, though my friend’s quite fond of her. It didn’t take her long to boost her stock in my books. The stigma of the vapid starlet was so incongruous with her personality. Such a thoughtful being, she was. We’d jabbered about our mutual hatred for the Boston Red Sox (she’s a Yankees fan, but that’s OK since BoSox fans are infinitely worse) and the anniversary of Stevie Ray Vaughan’s passing (still the greatest blues guitarist in my lifetime, bar none).

Lots of other miscellany splashed in between, but yeah… a darling and a half. If nothing else, she came off as the gal who had the best head on her shoulders at that con.

Tara Lynn Foxx:
Bay Arrreaaaaaa! Yours truly always has a soft spot for local gals that make good. She’s no exception.

The booth she was at (Adult Trading Card Company) was one of the more rockin’ ones of the con. Plenty of hawt wimmins, a competent DJ (this can’t go unappreciated) and a dancers’ pole that got heaps of lovin’. Being around her, I got the most physical contact per minute than with any other gal. Not the super-pervy type, mind you… but she’s an affectionate gal. A hug from her could last for days seemingly. I viscerally melted.

Considering she’s a Raiders fan and I’m a 49ers fan, I’d say we did well in proving that rival fans don’t need to resort to stabbing each other to entertain themselves. That’s what’s really up folks. Take notes.

Maybe someday I’ll get a chance to attend an Ultimate Surrender taping for when she’s performing in the Bay. That stuff fascinates me. I do genuinely feel bad for the girls since they’re not professionally trained to grapple (according to TLF), so injuries occur more often than you’d think. Shoot, I bet I could impart my amateur wrestling wisdom to those folks. Last thing you’d wanna’ see is gals in arm slings getting railed, right? (Well, that might be a niche sort of pr0n, no?)

Also talked w/ her about a potential collaboration between us down the road. I’ve got a good feeling you may be hearing more of her in the near future. ^_~

All told… a wonderful, wonderful gal who rocked a pole proper and rocked me like a hurricane. (No, not too soon.)

Alexis Texas:
"Booty booty booty booty rockin’ everywhere!" Bet you can’t guess what her calling card is. The camera might add 10 lb to it, but in person, it’s still something remarkable even from afar. Up close? Wicked.

One of my online friends back in Indiana is quite the fan of hers. Which is why it baffled me that he skipped out on a chance to meet her at the Muncie Pub Crawl because he thought holding a live simulation of a basketball league held some higher priority.⁶ Talk about your all-time wacky decisions, eh? She was awesome for hooking him up with an autographed pic that I mailed his way yesterday. Maybe that’ll learn him something.

Copped a DVD of hers which also features Phoenix Marie and Sarah Vandella. Methinks that one’s getting fired up today. Pr0n in HD and 120 hz rocks my rocks.

Jenna Haze:
My time with her was kinda’ limited given her immense popularity, but she was a sweetie. And she does deserve a mention for rockin’ a sick pair of Louboutins. Anytime a gal’s rockin’ those things, you know she’s doing something right. (Again, I stand by my declaration of heterosexuality.)

Phoenix Marie:
If you’re wondering why I posted this on a Friday morning and not two days ago as I intended, blame this woman. I could write a Valentine to her that could easily break 2,000 words, she’s that special. Editing my unabridged thoughts about her was a job unto itself. So here goes this one, as condensed as it can be.

First, a primer: Ms. Marizzle may not be my belle du jour, but she is unquestionably the most important starlet in my new found fandom. In short, her “Nerd Hunting” FT5 episode was a watershed moment in Asian Male-Caucasian Female relations history. Not only did she (along with Ashli Orion and Jennifer Dark) do an Asian guy, but we’re talking one of the shlubbiest looking dorks you could imagine. That was a pipe dream the youngin’ in me could’ve never fathomed becoming a reality on-screen. The first time I watched that, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony echoed in my head and visions of fireworks dazzled in my eyes. It was that captivating. For the record, neither of those gals will ever pay for a drink, meal, or whatever if they’re in my presence… especially Phoenix.

With that established, meeting her was akin to meeting the Pope. I’m talking kissing the ring in reverence and all that. Despite all the high praise I’ve bestowed upon her, you couldn’t ask for a more down-to-earth, relatable gal. I’ve always contended that when I think of her, I don’t spend much time thinking about how hot she’d be in the sack… but rather, how awesome she’d be to hang around and engage in witty repartee. She has legit nerd chops (evidenced by her spotting the previously mentioned Eddie Izzard reference); she likes sports such as football and MMA (she might be the only person who could convert me to the latter); and, like me, she’s a Disneyland Annual Passholder. (High five!)

I couldn’t help but gush a little around her and bless her heart, she seemingly took it in stride. I’m sure she gets overtures of unrequited love on a daily basis and I can only hope I didn’t go too far into the obsequious zone. She also wins the “Best Signature Award” for signing her 8x10 with “If I had to choose, I’d pick you over cake & death. XOXO, Phoenix Marie”. Thank you based goddess Phoenix. </meme>

Lily LaBeau:
Meeting her was… in a word: serendipitous. She wasn’t a scheduled guest for Exxxotica but she rolled through as an attendee. Right before the first Cirque de Bella performance Friday, my bud spotted her getting all sorts of steamy with a gal, Sinn Sage, at the Cirque tent. It wasn’t the frantic type of action you’d expect but rather a slow, sensuous canoodling that had a continuously growing intensity. The heat kept rising and rising… up to the point where mercury had to be bursting from everyone’s proverbial thermometers. Must’ve been a good ten minutes of this, no less. Yowza!

After the scheduled performance *heh*, I approached Lily to confirm my eyes hadn’t deceived me. To my delight, they didn’t. =D I got some pics with her and she mentioned she’d be coming through the next day. Sure enough, she was a woman of her word. We talked a bit about AVN 2012 which is coincidentally when she’ll turn 21. From there we talked Vegas clubs and started plotting the perfect shenanigans to get herself into that particular weekend. We also got to talking about food trucks and compared notes between the LA and SF scene. She’s not too familiar with the NorCal grubbage, so I mentioned she should holler my way when she’s up there (since she occasionally shoots for whose studio is near Ft. Mason, home of Off the Grid). Potential fun times ahead? We shall see.

After I’d left the con, my friend noted I’d gone into “crush mode” around her. I knew I was smitten around her but after hearing that, I was surprised and even a bit embarrassed for myself that it was perceptible. Even worse, I was worried my vocal tone had jumped an octave higher around her, unbeknownst to me.⁷ That was not the case, much to my relief. Then I come to find out she’s a Capricorn which pretty much explains everything. A Capricorn female is the perfect kryptonite to my Scorpio personality. Yours truly got blindsided and according to an eyewitness, it was written all over my face.

Congrats Lily. You managed to turn this usually even-keeled guy inside out. Well played dear… well played.

And that’s a wrap! Thanks to the lovely ladies for making Exxxotica worth a 3,000+ word ramble. Props to my boy for bringing me along and handling all the logistics. And props to you, the reader, for making it this far. Even the deleted scenes from this post would make a decent read. Alas, there’s only so much I can torture a reader with.

¹ Yes, I almost always type it as “pr0n” and even verbalize it as such. “Porn” is one of those words I feel nervous saying around anyone, so my alternative spelling/pronunciation gives it less of an edge. Stupid rationale, I know… it’s just a weird habit. (The one time I’ll say it correctly is when I’m belting out “The Internet is for Porn" from the Avenue Q soundtrack.)

² It’s uplifting to see gals do interracial work with Asian men. It’d be more awesome to see Asian-American guys get more representation in the business. And no, Keni Styles doesn’t count because he’s British. When Asian-American males get theirs consistently, then I’ll feel a sense of equality, even if it’s vicarious. </soapbox>

³ Kinda’ bummed this pic turned out blurry. Blame my boy for constantly shaking like a leaf while shooting pics of me. Sensory overload got him good, I reckon. *hah* But in all fairness, the lesson learned is: always shoot with two hands, not one. Stability gets compromised with the latter.

⁴ Why yes, I’m pretty fly for a Hapa guy. “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard.”

⁵ Even though I notice things like make-up and hair on a gal, I am categorically straight. Ask my two cats.

⁶ For those not quite sure what I’m talking about, let’s put it like this: fantasy sports is nerdy unto itself. Now imagine a fictitious basketball league simulated by a computer and 32 folks running virtual teams in said league. Yes, it’s Dorkville and lamentably I am a citizen. Let’s pretend you never heard this.

⁷ I’ve got a friend who has a habit of using a softer, higher-pitched voice when he’s talking to a girl he’s attracted to. I give him grief over it because it’s so unbecoming of him. If I did the same in “crush mode”, I couldn’t live with myself.

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